Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
