We won't sleep together?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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