remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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