Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
