just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
