just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
