In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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