god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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