I wish I only lived at night.
I think my fart just growled at me.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
