I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm always down for nudity.
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