chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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