I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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