She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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