My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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