I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Randomize
