You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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