im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
