Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
