I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
