somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
