I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
