So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
