Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
