Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Drunk is a universal language darling
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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