If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
