yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
