for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
