I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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