How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
