I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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