All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
