how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Your shirt... Was in my pants
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
