Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
