1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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