32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't deserve a penis
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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