don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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