Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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