What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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