Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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