If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Then you guys just all showered together...?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
