i just had sex bonerless
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My ass is underappreciated
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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