I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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