My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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