It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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