btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
