So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
