I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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