omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
