i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
People in love make me want to vomit
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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