i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
