its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
