finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
