My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
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I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
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This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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