I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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