p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
