hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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