Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
