i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
