I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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